Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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