Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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