He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
