i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
