I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
