I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
