Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
