my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
