I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
