1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
