I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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