he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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