I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
