Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
