you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
this hospital has no fireball
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
