I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Randomize
