the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
