I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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