3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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