i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
