im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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