I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
