we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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