ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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