Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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