The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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