They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
