Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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