Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
