did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize