shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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