the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
