I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You're earring is so big in my mouth
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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