and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize