I was born with a shot glass in my hand
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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