4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I have fence marks all over my body
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
