I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
