I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
