whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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