You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
