i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
