after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
