omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
