bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
