The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
