I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
