I swear god or herbie drove my car home
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
