I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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