did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
