I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
