wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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