i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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