i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
