Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
