Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
