dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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